Christopher Kosub: "Progressive Pruning"

Over a year ago I dialed a telephone number, and when the other end picked up I heard “The Center for Purposeful living, how may we serve you?” To be quite frank, it sounded a bit odd. I had never heard someone ask how they could serve me before. My mind jumped to a negative connotation—a slave serving a master—because I had no other foundation for the use of the word. I let this pass though and decided to learn more. Two months later here I was in Winston-Salem, NC.

During my first four days here at The Center for Purposeful Living, I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. Some of the thoughts I was experiencing were: “Are all of these people real?” “There are so many names to remember and everyone knows mine already!” and my personal favorite: “Are they trying to convert me?”

After being here for a while I realized that I was reacting to things that were triggering memories from my past, and reality was not what I thought it was. With my false perception of the present out of the way, I flowed into the environment seamlessly (well almost). The Center for Purposeful Living was exactly what I had been looking for. A community of like-minded souls who were genuine, didn’t gossip, and offered the kind of feedback that people I had considered “friends” in my past had never even attempted.

Only a couple of months after getting here, I started to let people see who I really was. The good, the bad, the challenges and most of all a person who was open to and interested in feedback, even if it wasn’t always easy to swallow at first.

As I revealed myself to the group something unusual happened. I started seeing who I was for the first time. I started seeing the person that I had always been. Through this realization I’ve begun to let the good qualities I have always had (that were covered over by old habits and limiting beliefs) shine through more often.

Quite unexpectedly, the way I see myself now is analogous to how I’m working towards seeing everyone around me. For instance, I’ve known my mother and sister since birth, and it can be challenging to spend time with someone when we “think we know” him or her. Yet now it’s like really seeing my mother and sister for the first time. More and more I am seeing people with constantly new eyes. It’s challenging, but the rewards have been great. The good qualities of anyone I meet can be my focus, and in this way I’ve begun to learn more about who people really are.

I guess this is the part where I’m supposed to sum up the process of my change with some concise statement that points right at the truth, right? Okay, if you insist, I’ll give it a try. I sought, I found, I moved forward in order to consciously return to the beginning.

How’s that?

No?

I didn’t really think I would get away with that either. I guess I’ll just have to go the longer fancy-schmancy metaphor route.

Imagine ourselves as a tree. As we grow we gain wisdom, limiting beliefs, soulful habits, and not-so-soulful habits. We’ve got branches going in many different directions. The year-long program is, in essence, an intensive course in pruning. We learn how to cut off the habits that are holding us back. Prune the limiting beliefs so that the new direction of growth moves us towards more soulful habits and we learn how to accelerate our translation of experience into wisdom. This brings balance and alignment to our life along with a focused direction and purpose. Yes, we’ll still sprout some branches in directions we do not need to go, but with the new tools available to us we are always able to take any opportunity and shift it so that it becomes an enlightening experience.

So, we don’t really change, do we? We just prune away old forms to let the reality of our existence shine through. I’ll give an example:
One of the first things I pruned here at The Center for Purposeful Living was my physical form; let’s just say I looked a little sketchy. I was going on seven years with long hair and a goatee. It was time whack it off, so when Margaret and Benjamin offered a makeover, I decided to go for it. I actually look good with short hair. It was somewhat shocking to me. The real surprise, however, was the affect cutting my hair had on me mentally; it was a revelation.

I had used that long hair for almost a decade to separate myself from others: On one level the long hair was used to judge and reject other people if they decided to judge me because of my long hair. Shoot if they are going to judge me by the cover I can judge them too, right? On another I used it as a way to appear older and more mature. However, the most astonishing aspect of my long hair was the discovery that at a very subtle level I used it to disconnect from the rest of the male gender. I just “wasn’t like” the other guys. I was better.

Learning about all the ways I had used my hair to focus on myself was a great lesson in self love. With that under my belt, I was able to focus more on loving those around me.

We’ve probably all heard the phrase, “Love is a verb, not a noun.” I met a woman once who was very inspiring. She could give feedback to people about incredibly personal stuff with almost no previous relationship with them, and those people would listen to her. They would fight it a little bit, but she didn’t let them off the hook. I had a conversation with her about this one day and she explained how she was able to do this: “If you approach someone with love and with the purpose of serving them, anything is possible.” The feedback she gave others wasn’t about her, she wasn’t being critical nor was she calling the other person bad or wrong. She simply brought to their attention, in a new light, how others might perceive their actions.

I’ve been working towards this expression of true love, and being here has been a wonderful opportunity in this regard. In the past, giving feedback was all about me. “Will this person still like me if I tell them this?” “Will we still be friends?” “Will he or she understand where I’m coming from?” All of these thoughts stopped me from making the first step. Now that I am making that first step, more often it is obvious that if the feedback really isn’t about me and it comes from a space of love for the other person, then I don’t need to know how it affects the other person, I don’t need the other person to still be my friend, the other person doesn’t have to understand what I am trying to say and, most of all, I can still love the person regardless.

The truth is, today really isn’t about me. Today is about every single person in this room and the impact you have all had on my life. I don’t think any of us will ever actually know how much we have really assisted each other in growing.

With that, I would like to share that the most important thing I have gained while being in the one-year program is a greater understanding, and “standing under” of my own responsibility. Responsibility to self, to relationships and community, and above all: my responsibility to humanity.

I thank you all for the service which has been proffered to me that has truly been better than money can buy.